• Anna Maling

My Miscarriage Story

Updated: Feb 22

By Anna Collins Maling, MA, LGPC, NCC

 

My journey into motherhood did not start the way I planned. I had everything perfectly timed to get pregnant and deliver right at the beginning of the summer semester. I was excited when I got pregnant on the first month we tried, thinking how happy I was to have everything go according to the prescribed timeline. I was nervous about it being so early but assumed that it was my usual anxiety. Much to my horror, a week after taking the first test, I took another, and the line was lighter than the original tests. More panic and fear. The next day I started bleeding and knew I had miscarried.


I had spent one week with my first baby, already loving everything about them. I felt so connected to the little spark that was inside me. I was devastated, confused, so sad and felt so alone. I also felt embarrassed at how deeply I grieved. I told myself, “If you didn’t test so early, maybe you wouldn’t have even known.” I cried most days for the next month, sitting in my backyard with my dog curled up on my lap. Even months after, I teared up talking about my first baby. I thought I would never not feel this raw, this sad.


This was a few years ago. Sometimes, I am still sad at the loss of my first baby. I have since then gone to therapy, processed the loss and found ways to connect and make meaning. I write my lost baby letters occasionally, letting them know that they mattered. Letting them know that their brief time changed me, made me a mom. I tell them that I am sorry to have never held them, kissed them and that I love them still now. I am tearing up writing this. It comes sometimes unexpectedly. I have a small figure that spoke to me and feels like the right way to memorialize them. I recently came across the very first pregnancy test that I almost threw away right after the miscarriage. I’m so grateful to still have it.


We each grieve differently. No way is right or wrong. You get to feel how you feel. Please know that you are not alone.

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